Its' funny...I always wanted it to seem my 'stuff' was always together: I was pretty sure that's what everyone needed from me, who knows, maybe I needed it from me too. But it was to the point that even the slightest transgression on my part could send me into a self-deprecating tail-spin for weeks. I didn't let people down...not even myself. But that meant that most times in my life I gave up the things that really made my heart sing in lieu of making others happier than me. It wasn't their fault...it was my fear of letting others down, of truly failing and of facing what might mean a less than perfect reality. The 'reality' was anxiety, worry and living with a smile on my face when I felt like crying on the inside.
Like many of you, I am a first-born...not only in my immediate family but on both sides. In fact, on my father's side (he was one of six brothers) I was the first girl born in 65 years so to say my birth was celebrated was an understatement! I bought into being a 'big deal' very early on...and adopted the idea that I needed to live up to this role. I spent my life measuring up to the idea of perfection and living up to everyone else's expectations...early on it was being the perfect daughter, granddaughter, and friend and everything that went with that: good grades, cheerleader, following rules, pageant queen, CCD instructor and on it went. Later it was being the perfect wife, mother, business owner and community leader.
Several times I came close to living my own dreams, but I always pulled back just before reaching the mountaintop. I stopped just short of full-scale fulfillment because I feared putting those around me in discomfort. I stopped because I felt selfish. I stopped because I allowed outside voices to become louder than my own. The funny thing was, the inside voices were what brought me close to the top in the first place, then, I ignored the intuition that told me I was on the right track, that I was heading for my happiest life, that I knew what was right for me. Shutting down that intuition nearly cost me everything...and today I am so glad it did.
In April of 2008, I suffered a Grand mal Seizure brought on by extreme stress. I was trying at the time to create the life I wanted (part time) while hanging on to the life I believed everyone else wanted me to keep. With one foot firmly planted on each side of my life I was stretched way too thin both emotionally, physically and spiritually...I was bringing things to a screeching halt. The days after my seizure, I would have no choice but to stop and take stock. It would take the better part of five years, lots of bone rattling truth, rest and healing to recover fully but today I can say it was the most important five years of my journey to date. It led me to the life I live and share with others today.
What I learned through my own journey of physical, emotional and spiritual healing is a great foundation for the wisdom I offer in my own practice.Changing our behaviors, thinking, language, relationships, and locations are only part of our transformations. It isn't until we get to the heart of our underlying limiting beliefs that we truly experience permanent change and allow ourselves the freedom to reach our authentic desires.